Rambing into emotions and paradoxes

 Today you want to hide. Let others speak, do not say things you don't know for sure. Or were never interesting in knowing for your own drive.

I guess I was trying to focus on me. What am I? It? Can I be wind? Ether? just look at things and don't participate? Can I just crouwl into my bed and not get out? What's the point?

Well, you'd get bored. It happens. One movie, two movies, one book, one painting. Many things on you bed to do so and rarely focus on one at the time. Ypou think about the next one. And at the end you don't feel like you did what you wanted.

But what did you want to do? You don't know for sure, because you always learnt to like whatever was being done that would take you out of yourself.

I can trick this into liking it. I am good at it so I must be doing this. Is that so?

Maestra de muchos pero experta en poco. Do you want to go all the way for once? Are you afraid you will get bored? Like with people. I must get something new out of them. I must see something else, I must be bored or I don't even want to think I am getting bored of the same ways, do not think is just the person, but the view you have of the person.

Maybe you are not looking at the situation in the right perspective. 

And the surprice comes. A smile, a present, a hug. A look in the eye. No, it is me who is not sure of what to do or where to go and it tends to throw the blaim on others.

What will happen when there's nobody else to fill that bin of shit that you got? What will happen when theres nobody who can listen to that hatred that you aren't supposed to tell and breaking the "good vibe"? Well, maybe I want to break it now. But if there was nobody... I'd just drank it myself, bathe at the end in my own guilt. From hatred to guilt. He/she had the blaim. But nobody is there to listen. There's enough problems in the world for them. And for you, their problems were so easy to address. "Look at me! I got it! It can be that difficult because I got it, and if you don't is because you must prefer the self-sabotage".

Well, not even the gray is just one colour. "Study of grey". It can be overwhelming to look and feel so many ways. To look at this under so many cristals. And all and none are right. There's really nothing to attach to. You are nothing, surrounded by nothing and all your feelings can shape your life and reality.

Well, fuck it.

I am done with it. I'm done with trying and not getting right the way I want it. I am done with getting it and have it to work for the rest. I am done with being done of thinking to try to find a way to make it true. I am tired. So tired of squeezing the brain in a extreme need to ask for help to the ether. But I need help. I cannot do all this alone, and not the same person can always assist me. Some have problems of their own. I really can do this alone but I need to expand my people and company before I kill it due to boredom. I said it. 

People and situations get me bored because I get bored of myself first. I don't know what to do, so I do the same over and over. And then the new things are scary. Well, instead of letting yourself be weighted by fear you should use it as a guide towards the unknown. Fear is marking something new, not known, so it is another channel, another chance, a challenge. Go on! Jump! You'll see it's not more than another step once you make the effort. You will always get something out of it. 

Paint if you want to paint, even if you are afraid of getting confronted by your critic.

Sing if you feel like singing, even if ashamed of not getting the right tone by being out of practice, or if someone listen to that mistake.

Jump if you feel like, even if you end up with a foot in the water and laughter out of it. Laught at the situation and you. It is not a big deal.

Love, if you want to love, but be prepared for contradictory feelings, breakdown and unexpected outcomes. Death, another love, maybe desilusion, or maybe plain joy. Anything and everything. 

It always depend how you look at it. What can you learn today? How can you mature today? How can you know yourself better, in all your special ways, today?

Shame was created to confuse us. To stop us, to make us selfconcious of our free acts. We were free, until shame came to this world. What's right and wrong. Once we knew what was wrong we tried to be in the good path, obcessed with not falling into the other one.

But what happens when we suppress? We fall. We explode. We do what we were afraid of doing. We keep it in our subconcious as a thing to break our perfect world of morals.

But if we do that and see that it wasn't a big of a deal to do it again, it might loose impotance. If I stole and saw that there's not a reason to do it again as it goes against love, I will look at the way that it makes sense. Done, not interested.

By prohibiting things to not get sick will get me paranoic about the end that can't happen. Until it does happen. Done, survived, next thing. 

You get what I am saying? It is good to have morals that come from love but by placing shame into the contrary it will make it more juicy to try it and experiment it. Now, why I did that in the first place? Was I trying to take me into account as the important roler of the story? Was I trying to demonstrate that I could get further than my comfortable pain due to abandonment without any fight? Well, I fighted back. Did it help? maybe in a short answer No, in the long term, but in the short term, in the moment, I was filling more than in the last months. I felt myself, I felt alive, I felt desired by him and me. 

Is that hard to understand? It can be seen so many ways. But the truth that matter is that it just gave me a blink of true self-love. It gave me desperation to be loved by myself not knowing how, so I had somebody else to show it to me. I did that today, again. I wanted to feel wanted because I didn't like myself this morning. I didn't have enough. And I did not get enough either way. I was empty and expectant. I was hollow. Why? I don't know. It's not a don't love him, but the fear to boredom controlled me and I wanted a rush of love and desire. A drug feeling of passion. Didn't last for me to feel full. That's the true. I didn't control the outcome. But I did control the situation, and I liked that. And it went how I was imagining it. That I can say. 

I am the master of my own fate. I got the power.

Ok, don't bathe in your own dirt cause you might like the sensation of guilt and pity. It does not work like that. 

Do move forward into the unknown instead of fearing everything you have now. You have so much free wasted time that it could be work on on your favour, not against you. So take that leap of faith and jump! And ask for help if you care for what you have and do. And yourself as part of all that process. It is you and your purpose what we are talking about. So give it the love and passion it needs, because to look it into somesone else won't give you the same effect. 

Just think about it...