Personal Meyland

This text I am showing is an internal conversation with myself in which I am writing the ideas as fast as my mind think them. It's the second time I do this experiment and it amaze me more and more everytime because it releases inner ideas that I always had but they were hidden and forbidden to get out. Well, now it's time to release them freely and for sure they will lack power now that they don't haunt me anymore. Enjoy the experiment. <<   Night of the 12/5/20 Please, just tell me I didn't die months ago and I am now in 'what sort of world' chilling with you. I never felt this way, so happy and full. I never thought I could feel this way or be with somebody this way. And my mind keeps going back to the idea that I am imagining it. That I am still in a dream in which I cannot get to wake up. I'm drugged, I know, but I feel as I entered another world or a game, where I play a person that it feels different, superior. And it's choosing th...

Looking at the past I realized I don’t know me. I tried to be someone in the search of looking for myself but I didn’t actually fit well in that shape. Is like trying to get yourself in a dress that it feels weird in some parts of your body but you don’t know how to fix it. This time is being a huge opportunity for me to listen more carefully to what my instinct is telling me, my heart and my head. They don’t always agree but ultimately they are guiding me in the same direction. There are no opposite forces that pull me in different directions, creation different sides of myself. And maybe there are different sides of myself but now they are calmer and more aligned. Part of it I believe is because I committed to my dreams. I stopped my life for weeks even if I already knew my path to follow but I tended to look back in order to reinforce my decision. It feels right but still, it is not the only thing I need to do and the point of slowing down and listening and learning it...

I am not gonna give too much energy and thought to this. I already gave too much in my head and it’s really draining me. I feel like that weight in my chest increases every time that I know for sure that I am not seen by you the same way I see you. It hurts to nearly faint the fact that I keep falling for people I admire. And it seems that I love adding some difficulty to that admiration process or person who contains all the cool stuff I would love to be. The difference with women I admire is that I possibly would not get confused. But in case of a guy I almost tend to throw myself into their whole reality and then I look to my stuff and it’s all there unattended. Even if I realize about my feelings and I know for sure that I have a strong connection with you that makes me shiver from inside, I know that there’s always a risk I loose myself by “admiring” you. I cannot say “like” because it sounds as a really low emotion, but saying “love” it sounds really scary and...

Following my star, I've been obsessed with the idea of love. I've been losing myself trying to get an addictive feeling in a place and a moment when running away from work left to be done was usual. Almost like in the old days. I've been in love with the idea of love. But not getting to connect with a person completely. Because the idea of what I needed not necessarily matched with the reality. In the case I ever did connect I got scared looking ahead. It's much safer to nurture self-love. It's less risky and more gratifying. I am not ready for other than myself. If you are smart enough, don't mess with me. Ain't no good. I'm hard work. I cannot belong to you. I am too independent now and needed of myself to be taking care of you. I don't want to loose that. I cannot loose myself again in that insanity. Let me be excited about the boost of affection we might need sometime. But after a few days I will go back to my way where I left it. ...

Let me tell you that I need to set my boundaries. But before I close the door I need to set my darkness free. It has been haunting me deep inside and today I decided to confront it with the courage I have left. Long time have passed since all the chaos took place in my mind and yours. Long days of conversations, tears and regrets. A point of no return that it will remain within us forever. But I don't come today to tell you that all was forgotten. That the time spent was for nothing. But I am a slow learner. I am a dreamer thinking the best of everybody until I get hurt. An despite the fact that I resent some actions from you I have them from me. I won't act the way you need it. I won't do the things you would. It's my life. It's my mind. It's my body. It's me with all my mistakes and new shades. I am not looking for any validation. I don't pretend that nothing even happenned. I am here to say that everything still remains and shaped me t...

Don’t you ever feel like you are reseting every night and you wake up as a new person? That person is still "you" but some of the memories have faded, some of the fresh ideas she or he had the day before went away when they did not get written somewhere. They were just trusted that they would find their way to the new day. Maybe they are just sleepwalkers who got lost in thoughts and sometimes... just sometimes, they get rescued by the main mind in order to come back. What it will be like when I get old? Will I loose all my new thoughts next day? Will it be like they never existed? Will it be like living a new day every day? Don’t you ever feel like you have been driven by somebody else's purpose? Or like you are at times dissociated of yourself? I do. But I am not scared anymore as I used to. I try to face it and look deeper. Sometimes I get lost in other thoughts which are more urgent to get on with. But I have been thinking about this possibility ...

Today everything twisted or looked another way. Today I realized I might not be following the path I should just become I came across new difficulties. Today I started to think that what I believed it made me different to my sister it might be just an impulse for being different and try to find a job...until I got to the big obstacle. Should I really keep going on this path? I always hesitated of everything and my great dream is not going to be different.  Maybe the stress I felt when I was working at the workshop was telling me something. Maybe the fact I shut the inspiration was a signal I was not listening to. I know I need to create to stay in peace and relaxed but I must be strict with my tendency to be lazy. To be just a spectator. I must say my word; however I feel it and not being afraid of saying it. Then you realize is tough to sell yourself as a product, to keep up with that. But life is never easy and whichever path you choose it will be always full ...