Looking at the past. Self-growth

Looking at the past I realized I don’t know me. I tried to be someone in the search of looking for myself but I didn’t actually fit well in that shape. Is like trying to get yourself in a dress that it feels weird in some parts of your body but you don’t know how to fix it.

This time is being a huge opportunity for me to listen more carefully to what my instinct is telling me, my heart and my head. They don’t always agree but ultimately they are guiding me in the same direction. There are no opposite forces that pull me in different directions, creation different sides of myself. And maybe there are different sides of myself but now they are calmer and more aligned.

Part of it I believe is because I committed to my dreams.

I stopped my life for weeks even if I already knew my path to follow but I tended to look back in order to reinforce my decision. It feels right but still, it is not the only thing I need to do and the point of slowing down and listening and learning it was a key for getting to know myself.

I also felt more open to try new things I never thought I needed. Like Meditation. The lack of focus and a beloved friend brought me into that and I am so grateful I came to experience it every day. Especially with Jay Shetty, who I already knew from some inspirational videos but nothing else. He has opened my eyes to think I needed to know or remember myself I knew.

Today I felt as we born with so much wisdom that we forget along these distractions we are pushed into. Today I felt as if we are remembering things as we choose to listen carefully to people who can tell their story of growth. And we grow with them, and we make other grow if we share that point of view which we resonated with.

You never know what you are going to discover or who you are going to know who can help you or enlighten you, enriching your knowledge or point of view of your reality. So you better open up and let your thoughts flow out, even if they seem crazy or stupid. 

I also started to be grateful for keep believing in magic, for keeping that fantasy that my younger self used to follow.

I always considered myself as if I wanted to grow up really slowly. I played until I was nearly 15 years old and I have no regrets about that. Besides, I wish every child had that experience in life because it opens another world much more interesting and less cruel than the one we know when we grow older.

And even yet, I believe there’s still beauty in people. I choose to see the beauty of this world, quoting that amazing character that is Dolores from the show WestWorld. I am a dreamer and I am proud of that. I consider some good can be done if we look at our surrounding s in a different way. I think we can make and also attract good things if our minds are set up that way. It’s not just about being positive. A friend once asked me: how you do that? How you become more positive? I did not know how to respond then. I did not have the answer but I was eager to search for it. 

Well, start with a list of good things to help you. Mine just started valuing the smallest things: Nature, Smile, Good Company... Then the other came along like journaling your thoughts and the things you are grateful for and the good qualities you have. If we focus in what we lack we get ourselves in a hole of darkness and uncertainty. We feel loss. But if we acknowledge our strength and good points and skills we put ourselves back in a path we can follow with better energy, step by step.

And still, we will see that there’s still things we can add to our daily routine in order to enrich our perspective or feelings of life, our search of self-growth. But that becomes a game, a discovery of the treasure. And it’s then when the creativity starts flowing free. Maybe you don’t feel stuck to the things you did before as an exercise or test. Maybe you end up doing a completely different thing out of curiosity or need. Out of desperation even. But at the end of that process you may feel as you accomplished another step of yourself, you opened another unknown part of your personal map. You threw yourself from a cliff just to realise that nothing bad happen. And it feels like every time you attempt to do the same, the cliff is shortening until it looks just like a cute hill.

That reminds me of the games I used to play at home, jumping out of my sofas believing the floor was full of water of lava. Of course it was a game but it’s like I knew it would be more interesting to keep jumping. In case I fell, the floor was there, the lava was still in my head. I hope you get this idea. The lava in this case is our fear to failure. Maybe to loose ourselves? And we realize that the fear was just an illusion is when we become more and more eager to keep jumping around. It almost becomes an addiction. Every day is an excitement to discover something new about yourself. And the best feeling is when you get yourself involved in a bad situation. When your response is totally different than the one your old self used to give you look at yourself with pride and respect. You realize you love yourself and you understand your boundaries and what you are able to accept. 

It doesn’t mean you have to be selfish, but in the past this person used to be everything for others, giving herself completely up to a point when she couldn’t find herself anymore. She was almost empty, and what it was left was a dark side which she was scared of and tried to hide. That side would be the escape valve. That obscure side it’s hard to understand, and sometimes gets out hurting some people around in the process but provoking a harsh new start that it should have not needed to be done if she had listened. But I understand now it was needed as a turning point, as an instinctive pull towards the awakening part of her life. It’s a dark place at first but it is not the bottom of the hole, because that side was touched long ago just before that wild side took control on yourself and saved you.

The truth is that I am still growing but the fear to those people who made me feel as I were nothing is gone. I overcome it and I talked through it. Sometimes it felt as I helped them and myself to see the change in myself. Other times it was just myself who felt that did something good, feeling pity for the other person for being stuck in a past point of his life. I tried. But I have to keep nurturing my path and the only way of doing it is feeling liberated of the dark heavy stones in my heart.

Every day is easier to let them go, getting some other new things in return. “You cannot get new good things if you don’t let go the bad ones you are still holding to.” Let go and be free. 

12/5/20