Wasting time on wellknown thoughts

I am not gonna give too much energy and thought to this. I already gave too much in my head and it’s really draining me.

I feel like that weight in my chest increases every time that I know for sure that I am not seen by you the same way I see you. It hurts to nearly faint the fact that I keep falling for people I admire. And it seems that I love adding some difficulty to that admiration process or person who contains all the cool stuff I would love to be. The difference with women I admire is that I possibly would not get confused. But in case of a guy I almost tend to throw myself into their whole reality and then I look to my stuff and it’s all there unattended.

Even if I realize about my feelings and I know for sure that I have a strong connection with you that makes me shiver from inside, I know that there’s always a risk I loose myself by “admiring” you. I cannot say “like” because it sounds as a really low emotion, but saying “love” it sounds really scary and deeply meaningful. 

I cannot tag what I feel for you yet, that’s a fact. But I hate to realize I am already lost in you every time that I enjoy our time together or... in the worst case scenario, when you talk about starting over your life with a person if you started dating or even talking about starting with a couple. Is then when I realize I am too old fashion , I am too normal, I am too into the romantic movies that I hate but at the same time they give me hope in order to find one day the person who I can be myself with. And I really liked how easy it was this time, not even realizing the process. 

But I cannot be that harsh with myself, I am not boring, I am not too normal. I am just myself, and the way I see things might be different than the way you see then. That’s all. Maybe you would not feel prepared for something so meaningful with somebody so the way to subtract emotion would be to fuck around or have fun with no emotions to disturb you. I cannot do that, not right now, not when I already have feelings for somebody. It’s almost as if I were reserving myself stupidly for that person. I am monogamous in mind and soul and nobody will change that. That’s enough suffering for me; I don’t want to imagine what it would be like with two people. I won’t be what I cannot be and that cannot give me a headache.

Why did I let myself fall into that? What am I supposed to do now? I know I have been told I should be clear and tell you, but I hate showing myself vulnerable and failing again in the process. It’s like giving all me too early, to surrender to you. And that’s not give the first impression. I would not feel as independent. I’m trying to be, fighting with the fact that I feel for you and I see you at all times.

But my head is always longing for you even if I don’t see you. Sometimes I can get enough of you and get tired of your many ideas. But most of the time you know that I’d be up for making them real. What’s the difference today?

I realized I felt it being sober. The weight did not come under any effects, the close I felt to you was gone and I was just an observer. I felt as I was not part of the map. As I am always somebody that gives advice and listen but apart from that I feel alone. ME. You don’t have an idea how hard it hit me when you say that. You don’t see me. You just want company and there I was. And then is when I feel used again. And then it’s when I realize again I left all myself away for a moment and I have to come back to it, blocked, because the tears won’t stop coming out. This process hurts. This return to the feeling of love and hurt sucks. Sometimes I hope I did not have them that intensely. And I was proud this morning of being intense? Well, this sucks now.

29/4/2020