Before it evaporates...

Don’t you ever feel like you are reseting every night and you wake up as a new person? That person is still "you" but some of the memories have faded, some of the fresh ideas she or he had the day before went away when they did not get written somewhere.

They were just trusted that they would find their way to the new day. Maybe they are just sleepwalkers who got lost in thoughts and sometimes... just sometimes, they get rescued by the main mind in order to come back.

What it will be like when I get old? Will I loose all my new thoughts next day? Will it be like they never existed? Will it be like living a new day every day?

Don’t you ever feel like you have been driven by somebody else's purpose? Or like you are at times dissociated of yourself? I do. But I am not scared anymore as I used to. I try to face it and look deeper. Sometimes I get lost in other thoughts which are more urgent to get on with. But I have been thinking about this possibility for a long time since I came to Ireland.

I am not afraid anymore of getting to know me. I am not afraid of feeling the way I feel. I have nobody to let me think that I am just mad because I might do things that do not have any sense.

There is a reason for the way I do things and if I get moved by a hand in order to do so, I’ll just let myself to be moved because I trust that it cannot make me any bad. I don’t know who or what it is. The Universe? Lost family who are taking care of me from somewhere? I don’t feel like putting them a name yet. I just need to enjoy the feeling even if I cannot explain it. Because I feel more alive than ever. I am living with intensity every moment, even when I feel sad, but I am getting used to acknowledge what goes wrong more quickly. Even if it takes me two days or even a week to digest it. My mind is still mine to use it and I don’t want it to get old until it gets a point where it cannot work anymore, when all the thoughts are like zombies or clouds around an empty soul eaten by all the content we are being thrown at. 

Use your tools when you still have them and don’t get lazy.

This moment we are living in it is about that. It will save us. But take it as a warning for the time you have left to be in this world. Tomorrow who knows what it will happen. Maybe it’ll be another idea that I miss on the way.

At least I can tell you this now, before it evaporates...

17.3.20